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FEATURES IN THIS ISSUE:
GENERAL
NEWS
QUESTIONS
FROM THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD
WORDS
OF ENCOURAGEMENT
BIBLE
TRIVIA
PAGES
UPDATED
NEW
LINKS
MEMBER
PATTERNS
CROCHET
STITCH or TECHNIQUE
CROCHET
TIP
VIEWER
FEEDBACK
CONTEST/GIVE-AWAY
INFORMATION
CLASSIFIED
SECTION
HUMOR
GENERAL NEWS
Dear Subscriber:
Thank you for being part of our Crochet 'N' More family. This has been a very tough year for businesses and ours is no exception. Your continued support of the Crochet 'N' More Newsletter and website is very much appreciated. We thank God for giving us the ability and allowing us to share our free crochet patterns and information with you, all while being a witness for Him. We truly enjoy serving you and hope to be able to continue serving you in the new year.
We would also like to invite you to
Dedicate OR ReDedicate
your life to Christ.
http://www.crochetnmore.com/praisehim.htm
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Learn to Crochet: A Beginner's Guide
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I have added more videos since our last issue.
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QUESTIONS
FROM
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Post your crochet
question on
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QUESTION:
RE: Reading a doily pattern
Hello,
I am new to crocheting and trying to crochet a doily I found online that claims to be "easy." I am having a hard time understand the pattern.
For instance, this pattern, Pinwheel treat, located at http://www.freepatterns.com/detail.html?code=FC00225&cat_id=308.
- I am at Rnd 4 - 2 dc over 2 ch sp. What does this mean?
-- Stacie (confused)
NOTE: To view the doily pattern you must login to that site.
ANSWER:
For Rnd 4... do this:
slip stitch in the next double crochet
chain 3
double crochet in each of the next 2 double crochet stitches
work 2 double crochet stitches into the hole beneath the next 3 chains (not into either of those chains)
chain 3
[skip 1 double crochet
double crochet in each of the next 3 double crochet stitches
2 double crochet stitches into the hole beneath the next 3 chains]
repeat the instructions inside the brackets [ ] around.
join with a slip stitch
you should have 40 double crochet stitches when you finish Rnd 4.
Hope this helps.
Lisa Hamblin
CNM/MBA
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind
word, a listening ear, an honest accomplishment, or the smallest act
of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
~~ Leo Buscaglia ~~
Therefore, gird your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, "YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY." And if you address as Father the One who impartially judges according to each man's work, conduct yourselves in fear during the time of your stay upon earth; knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited form your forefathers, but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ. For He was foreknown before the foundation of the world, but has appeared in these last times for the sake of you who through Him are believers in God, who raised Him from the ead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.
1 Peter 1:13-21
Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware, and some to honor and some to dishonor. Therefore, if a man cleanses himself from these things, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified, useful to the Master, prepared for every good work. Now flee from youthful lusts, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. And the Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.
2 Timothy 2:20-26
Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:1-8
"THE SEEDS WE SOW TODAY
DETERMINE THE KIND OF FRUIT
WE'LL REAP TOMORROW."
This quote is from Our Daily Bread - December, 2011 Issue
Be careful the environment you choose, for it will
shape you; be careful the friends you choose, for
you will become like them. - W. Clement Stone
"For
where two or three have gathered
together in My name, there I am
in their midst."
Matthew 18:20
Please click here and pray for those on our Prayer List
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PAGES UPDATED
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FREE
PATTERNS
The following
patterns will be added to our Free Patterns soon.
NEW LINKS
The following link(s) have been added to our links pages.
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(SUBSCRIBERS
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CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE
(A
different crochet stitch and/or tip featured in each issue...
to be added later to the Crochet Basics page)
LINKED DOUBLE CROCHET (LINKED-DC)
(I've seen this stitch abbreviated as ldc... but that can also be a "long double crochet". )
Insert hook in lower
horizontal bar on same stitch,
yarn over, draw loop through,
insert hook in next st on row you are working,
yarn over, draw loop through,
(yarn over, draw loop through 2 loops on hook) 2 times.
"On-line
encyclopedia of knitting and crochet facts"
http://www.lionbrand.com/faq/learnToCrochet.pdf
VIEWER TIPS
Mark Project with Hook Size & Balling Yarn to Pull from Middle
Write your crochet hook size on back of a business card, punch a hole in card, and tie card to project with tail of beginning chain. You will remember you size hook if you do not work on that particular project for a while and not leave your hook in with another project and forget which project you left the hook.
Use a full length travel toothbrush holder when balling yarn. The cap allows you hold one end of the yarn, wrap the ball of yarn on the opposite end and once ball in complete, pull yarn/toothbrush holder from the middle of ball and your yarn is ready to crochet without rolling around.
-- Judy Bailey (Happy Nana)
Scrap Yarn Ideas ... do you have number 90?
The following
page is compilation of uses for scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS
If you have a use that's not listed email me!
VIEWER FEEDBACK
NOTE: Any comments left on the CNM website or sent via email may be posted here.
Leave your message in our guestbook... and it may appear in an issue of the CNM Newsletter!
Pattern link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page:
comments:
"This is pretty. I was just looking for a new scarf pattern."
Tanya Riopel
What does " chain 3(counts as first dc of row), skip first sc, dc in each st across
(working into actual st of each chain,not into ch sp)" mean?
Rizz
<< reply >>
>>What does " chain 3(counts as first dc of row), skip first sc, dc in each
>>st across
This means you make 3 chains which will count as one double crochet stitch
Skip the first single crochet
work one double crochet stitch in each stitch across
>>(working into actual st of each chain,not into ch sp)" mean?
This means you are to work into each chain stitch on that row... not into
the
hole or "space" below the chain.
HI LISA..... REMEMBER ME? ITS WILDA. I LOVE THIS DOGGIE SWEATER, BUT I CANNOT FIND THE PATTERN IN THE NEWSLETTER. CAN YOU HELP ME ? I FINALLY WAS ABLE TO GET A PUPPY THAT I AM NOT ALERGIC TO......A SWEET MALTESE , FEMALE...HER NAME IS LUCY SAME AS THIS ADORABLE PUP. ONLY SHE HAS A MIDDLE NAME ...HER NAME IS LUCY GRACE. I NAMED HER WITH GRACE AS A MIDDLE NAME BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY BY GOD'S GRACE THAT I COULD HAVE A DOG AGAIN. I LOVE HER SO MUCH ALL I DO IS KISS HER !
THANK YOU FOR THE PATTERN,
WILDA IN NEW JERSEY
<< reply >>
Yes, I do remember you... it’s been quite a while since we spoke.
The dog sweater in the photo included in your email
was made using our basic sweater design which you can find on this page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/dogsweater.htm
The owner of that dog embellished the sweater by adding additional details
such as short sleeves, a different neckline, etc.
Don’t forget... share a photo of Lucy Grace wearing her sweater and I’ll put her
in The Dog House.
Pattern link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page:
FLOWER APPLIQUE HAT
http://www.crochetnmore.com/flowerappliquehat.htm
Comments:
Quite charming !
Maggie Campbell Hays
Good Morning, Was just wondering if there is a pattern for a granny square that you do not have to slip stitch 3 singles to get to the next row? Thank you, Mary Ann
<< reply >>
The Granny Square pattern on my site doesn’t require you to slip
stitch to begin the next round... you join with a slip stitch and turn for
each new round:
http://crochetnmore.com/grannysquare.htm
You can find a Basic Granny Square pattern on this page also:
http://www.allfreecrafts.com/crochet/granny-square-afghan.shtml
along with other square patterns.
Pattern link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page:
V-STITCH SHELL BOOKMARK
http://www.crochetnmore.com/vstitchshellbookmark.htm
Comments:
One of my first and favorite thread bookmarks I ever made years ago!
Kath Baer
Pattern link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page:
Puff Stitch Baby Hat
http://www.crochetnmore.com/puffstitchbabyhat.htm
Comments:
I love this pattern :)
Corinna Erickson
Thank you, I love the pattern
Virginia Oehring
I made this hat a few months ago.
Tiffany Patrick Flint
i also made this hat and it is very pretty
Dianne Strickland
Pattern link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page:
Dishcloth
http://www.crochetnmore.com/dishcloth.htm
Comments:
Ty soooo much, haven't been able to find a pattern I liked - but this is going to be it!!!
Cindy King
http://www.crochetnmore.com/puffstitchbabyhat.htm
I am making the puff stitch baby hat for my granddaughter and the last row on the pattern is the R21 with the bpdc and the fpdc. In the picture of the hat it appears to have another row of puff stitches after this row but there are no further instructions for another row. Am I missing some instructions. Thank you. Farrelyn Miller The hat is darling.
<< reply >>
There's only one row of puff stitches (R18).
The post stitches on Rows 20 & 21 make the edge textured.
<< Farrelyn's Reply >>
Thank you Lisa for your response to my question. I have now made two of the hats for granddaughters and love them. It is amazing to me how someone can create and come up with the designs but am thankful that I can benefit from your creativity and produce such a cute gift. Thank you and have a very Merry Christmas.
Crochet Video:
How to Crochet a Popcorn Stitch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TMVhu7nKTY
Comments:
LOVE
JoAnn Hamilton Dillon
Do you have any patterns for Christian afghan blankets?
Barbara Spencer
<< reply >>
Did you have a certain type of afghan in mind?
I have a Cross Afghan Square pattern:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/rowcountcrossafghansquare.htm
There's a free pattern for an angel afghan here:
http://www.allfreecrafts.com/crochet/baby-afghan.shtml
Here's a free crochet pattern called Framed Church Windows:
http://www.freewebs.com/bethintx/framedchurchwindows6in.htm
RE: Crochet beginner - Help!
I found your site online through a google search and it had a lot of tips that are helping me on my way to learning crochet. I am a beginner crocheter and I am attempting to make a beret but I am having trouble starting it. The instructions say to start with an adjustable ring and to work 8 sc into the ring then to join with sl st in first sc--8sc...I am wondering what that last part means? Does this mean I just have to join the first and last sc's that I made in the ring with a sl st? Also, the next step says to "work beginning bobble, ch 2, *bobble in next sc, ch 2; repeat from * around, join with sl st in top of beginning bobble--8 bobbles and 8 ch-2 sps." First of all, I can't find anywhere that explains what a beginning bobble is so maybe you could help me find someplace online that describes this or something? Also, would I be correct in assuming that this information "--8 bobbles and 8 ch-2 sps." describes what I should have after I have done the preceding steps?
Thank you so much for your time, I look forward to hearing back from you!
Stephanie
<< reply >>
You are correct about joining the first and last single crochet stitches
on the first round with a slip stitch.
As for the beginning bobble, the pattern should list instructions stating how to do
a beginning bobble and a bobble stitch. If not listed on the pattern, maybe the
website has a page that lists the stitches used in the patterns featured on their
site.
This page shows how to do a bobble stitch:
http://www.crochetspot.com/how-to-crochet-bobble-stitch/
however, there are many variations of a bobble stitch and the stitch you need
depends on your pattern.
>>
Also, would I be correct in assuming that this information
"--8 bobbles and 8 ch-2 sps." describes what I should have
after I have done the preceding steps?
Yes, you are correct.
"Keep up with the videos plz!!!! Love them!!"
Donna Scipio
Link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page:
Video: How to make the Half Double Crochet Stitch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9FIgE5GUv0
Comments
thats my favorite stitch!
Ginny McVey
How to Crochet - Row Count Pattern/Color Changes - Part 1:
http://youtu.be/o4ObY6dxZjY
Simple Amazing Lisa!
Thank You so much! This video has helped me tremendously. You have made it so easy to learn how to crochet a row count square. I will be forgetting about what I taught myself from a pattern and sticking to your instructions from now on. I look forward to seeing Part 2! Now that you are on the Tube I think I may be picking up my lap top rather than a pattern to learn a new stitch! Thanks for teaching this veteran crocheter something new!
Tina =)
I am looking for a crochet pattern for an eggplant baby hat for a new born. Can you help me please? I have a hard time with searching for patterns.
Thank you for reading my request.
Lorraine S.
<< reply >>
First of all, I found an actual egg plant crochet pattern on the LionBrand website:
http://www.lionbrand.com/patterns/80843AD.html?noImages=&r=1
This page has a cute pattern for an Eggplant Cocoon and Beanie.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/61333079/eggplant-cocoon-and-beanie-worsted
The hat appears to have the leaves on the top but I think it may
be that the color of the yarn used is the color of an eggplant.
You can click the link below the photo to get the pattern for a berry hat.
It could resemble an eggplant hat if you use the right colors.
It requires you download an ebook:
http://reallycrabbycrafter.blogspot.com/2011/04/wee-free-baby-crochet-ebook.html
I NEED A VISUAL CHART OF CROCHET BASIC STITCHES. BLACK AND WHITE,
CANNOT FIND ANY
JUST SHOWING IN SKETCHES OF SIMPLE TITCHES....SAMPLE BOARD OR CHART NEEDED.
PLEASE ASSIST
SHELLY
<< reply >>
You can find links to illustrations for crochet stitches here:
http://learntocrochet.lionbrand.com/
I do not have "charts" of stitches but I have
videos of how to work stitches on Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/crochetnmore
I also have a Beginner’s Guide here:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics-beginner.html
"I just come across your website while looking for doggie crocheted sweaters. I just want you to know that I just subscribed to your newsletter. Your website is fantastic.
Thank you again.
Susanna Evans from Ohio"
<< reply >>
You're very welcome.
Thank you for subscribing to my newsletter.
Hope you enjoy our dog sweater patterns.
RE: blocking and steaming
My daughter is into crocheting. She is self taught. She was asking for a blocking board and steamer for Christmas. I have been unable to find such things. She said that she has heard that is how she can shape her crochet items. Do you know about these and if so, where I could purchase them?
Thanks, Beth Brown
<< reply >>
You can purchase a blocking board and a steamer via this website:
http://www.yarn-store.com/blocking-supplies.html
I have seen blocking boards in the craft department at Wal-mart and
they carry steam machines also.
I think the Quilter’s Cut n Press board would work well for blocking smaller
crocheted items like doilies or afghan squares:
http://quiltobsession.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/img_3084_2wtmk.jpg
You can make your own blocking board.
http://www.freepatterns.com/content/blog.html?blog_id=2418
It’s best if you have a one inch grid printed on the fabric to help with the
layout of the piece to be blocked. It’s probably just as costly to try making
one as purchasing a similar item though.
I do not recommend steam blocking for all yarn and thread types.
I think cotton yarns block well with steam but acrylic yarns tend to melt
at temperatures around 500 degrees. In this case, wet blocking is best.
Wet the item, spin out the excess water and then lay it out on the
blocking board to air dry.
Hope this helps... and feel free to email me anytime.
Crochet Video:
How to Crochet - Single Crochet Puff Stitch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XPhv5Xzogg
Comments:
Self Demonstrated and explained so clearly! Thank you!
Debbie Crouse
Subject: Stitch_Question
on your pattern for a no sew towel topper the one with a loop under it.
here are the instructions for the flap as follows.
FLAP
R1: Reattach yarn to unworked loop of first sc on R1 of Handle.
Sc in 1st 3 sts. Ch2, sk 1 st. Sc in ea of last 3 sts.
R2: Ch1, turn. Sc in ea st and in the ch2 sp.
R3: Ch1, turn. Sc in first st, Dc in next st. 4dc in ch2 sp on R1
(dip down into the chain sp) Dc in next to last st. Sc in last st.
Fasten Off.
I have a problem as to how to use a one inch button to close this item?
I cannot even see how you are supposed to use a button of any size as I do not see a hole anywhere to put it through.
can you help me with this??
am I supposed to use the little chain 2 space??? in that regard I would need to make it a lot larger than chain 2.
The 4 double crochets that I did in the chain 2 space are really too close together to try and fit a button od any size
in the middle of the 4 dch.
Please help me with this.
I have finished all and am about to pull out the flap and re do it again as for right now I cannot use a button anywahewre that I can see.
many thanks!
Jean
<< reply >>
Yes... I put the button through the ch2 on the flap.
You can make more chains there if needed to accommodate
any size button.
Hanging Dish Towel
http://www.crochetnmore.com/hangingdishtowel.htm
Comments:
Made these as gifts one year. They're very nice and work up quickly.
Nancy Nemeth Gile
I love it!
CrochetN'Crafts
Just for fun - Hook and Needle Quiz
http://www.coolquiz.com/myquiz/myquiz.asp?quiznum=26659
Easy I got all of them right!!!
Cathy Huster
It was too easy. Some us need a challenge.
Carol Smith
RE: need clarification
I am from India and I love to crochet. I have tried out many of your projects and given them as gifts.I have started crocheting the puffs all over baby hat project and wanted to know what stitch is Scps - it is repeated again in few rows e.g- (R3: Ch1, turn. Sc in same st. Scps in next st.
(Sc in next st. Scps in next st) around.
Join with sl st in first sc. (12sc & 12scps))
kindly explain the stitch so i could continue with the hat.
Thank you.
God Loves you and I love you too. Thank you for crochet.
Jeanne.
<< reply >>
Scps is a Single Crochet Puff Stitch... you can see how via this video:
http://youtu.be/5XPhv5Xzogg
"Merry Christmas Lisa... I am grateful for your friendship since the 1st time we met was online for Crochet Patterns way back. It's amazing to me that we are still friend 'Online'. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and all the Blessings!"
Corinne Dayon
Cross Bookmark Crochet Pattern
http://www.crochetnmore.com/crossbookmark.htm
Comments:
Kathy Huff I will have to make some of these for Easter
I don’t understand Row 18. Can you explain Sc 1 row below first st.
Judy Richardson
<< reply >>
>>Sc 1 row below
Instead of working the single crochet into the stitch on the normal
working row... you work in the row below it. This video should help:
http://www.anniesattic.com/videos/player.html?type=flash&id=71&vid=1
Re: CROCHET N MORE NEWSLETTER Vol. XIV, Issue 23
Those are darling Lisa!
Thank you for your generosity!
Have a very Bless CHRISTmas.
Emmy
RE: Picot Points
HI! I am a working on your lovely doily. I am still learning how to read patterns and I am struggling with row 7 I have done it and taken it out several times. Do you have any suggestions. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I appreciate any hints or advice you can give.
Thank You,
Chrystal
<< reply >>
R7: Changing back to solid color yarn. Attach yarn with sl st in any corner ch sp.
3sc in ea corner. 1sc bet posts of all other sts. Join with sl st
For this round you change back to the solid color by attaching it with a slip stitch in any of the corner
chain spaces. Work 3 single crochets in each corner and work 1 single crochet in between the posts
of all other stitches.
Are you putting the stitches “in between” the posts of the stitches on Round 6?
Kind
words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless.
Mother Teresa
CONTEST/GIVEAWAY INFORMATION
The
information provided below is strictly for your enjoyment.
Enter the new contest
at Creative Enterprises !
CLASSIFIED SECTION
Got something you'd like to
sell ?
Looking for a particular item to buy?
Put your ad here to be seen
by approximately 5,500 crafters...
Click here to place an advertisement in our Classified Section.
~ ~ ~ YOUR AD COULD GO HERE! ~ ~ ~
Do you know a little girl that doesn't have a baby to hold and care for?
Please visit our site and click on request a doll on the left hand side of the site.
If you need a teddy bear for a little boy please add next to their information
on the request for that it’s for a little boy so we know to send a teddy..
http://www.mollysbabies.org
while your there visit are many pages, we have a volunteer application page
with all the information on there.
We also have Santa letter's, items for sale.. all proceeds goes to Molly's Babies inc.
Right now to keep Molly's Babies Inc running we need your support. so please visit
our site today and see if you can help out with something..
how you can help page
and a lot more. stop by and check us out.. look forward to your visit.
Click here for ways you can help!
Mary B.
Molly's Babies Inc.
P.O. Box 308
Versailles, CT. 06383
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=WY3PT9P5P4JAL
Newsletter
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Blog:
http://mollys-babies.blogspot.com/
Unique photos at reasonable prices!
Get Your Home In Order!
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Here
cont.
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cont
cont.
Get your copy of the Gas Mileage Guide today!
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/
There's also a free Version available.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/freepreview.htm
Also make sure to check out almost daily tips for
saving money
and having fun without breaking the bank.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/gas-savings-blog/
cont.
This book
is a wonderful addition to any crochet library.
I've had numerous requests over the years of what to crochet for
boys.
Crobots are definitely the answer!
This 96-page book is filled with numerous types of Crobot patterns
as well as well-illustrated instructions for the
crochet stitches, assembly stitches and other embellishments used
in the patterns.
The patterns are well written, some of the book is written in a
small font but the pictures are wonderful. NOTE:
This book comes to you with a safety warning regarding the small
parts used in the patterns.
Therefore, please use your own discretion as to the age of the child
you intend the gift for.
I have to tell you about this new book.
SweaterBabe.com's Fabulous & Flirty Crochet
I'm so happy to have it in my crochet library.Katherine Lee has an eye for style and a definite knack for creating
beautiful crochet patterns.
I was really happy with the large colorful project photos.
There's something for everyone!
The aspect of Fabulous and Flirty Crochet that stood out to me was
the section on the yarns
used in the patterns. One page shows "actual size" photos
of the yarns which makes it super
easy to substitute other yarns if you want to. For those who stay
strictly to the recommended
yarn in a pattern Katherine has included a yarn resource list. The
projects are very fashionable
and perfect for gift giving... though I'm sure you'll have to make
something for yourself :o)
I can't wait to try the Flirty Skirt and the Ruffled Strap Tank.
Get your copy of Fabulous & Flirty Crochet today!
=====================================================
If your home business isn't
growing as fast as you'd like, maybe you need to move to a new neighborhood!
Come be a part of our home and small business community at Creative
Enterprises!
We bring new meaning to "networking" and resource sharing!
Sign up for your membership today at
7http://www.creativethought.com
cont.
HUMOR
|
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Laughter is an instant vacation." - Milton Berle
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or
replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple
was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all
our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the
side of the TV with the heel of my hand. Just my luck the picture
returned to full size.
"Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the
same repair school as you."
A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh, officer, thank goodness you're here!
I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree
right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was
another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and
there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,
the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter
while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers
first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his
purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was
impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the
boy replied. "But I got even."
"How?"
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting,"
the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at
eight o'clock."
She took what felt like an opportune moment to ask the guy she was dating if he was serious about their relationship.
Looking hurt, he said, "Do you know how special you are?" He
held up his cell phone..."I use my daytime minutes on you."
Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You
always know where you're going when I'm driving!"
A goober was driving home after a game, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. His car was covered with dents, so the next
day he took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that he was a goober, so he decided to
have some fun. He told him to go home and blow into the tailpipe
really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the goober went home, got down on his hands and knees,
and started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened. So he
blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
His roommate saw him, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The goober told him how the repairman had instructed him
to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled his eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You
need to roll up the windows first!!"
Pointing to a pan of chicken wings and legs disguised in the
classic mess-hall manner, a young airman asked the mess sergeant, "What's for chow?"
"Air Force chicken," replied the sergeant.
"You want wings or
landing gear?"
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs,
she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or
fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.
Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few
days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania
Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
It was early at the Army base one morning and the sergeant was reading off a list of names of the men who had work party detail that day.
"Ames."
"Here!"
"Jensen."
"Here, Sergeant!"
"Jones."
"Here!"
"Magersky."
"Here!"
"Seeback."
No answer.
"Seeback!"
Still no answer.
"SEEBACK!" the sergeant's face turned red. Then he looked at his list closer, turned the piece of paper over to the back side, and continued calling out names, in a somewhat quieter voice.
A few weeks after a young man had been employed, he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I've discovered this is the first position you've ever held."
"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."
A father told a friend how he had stopped his son from being late to school.
"I bought him a car." he explained. "Now he has to get there early to find a parking place."
My pastor friend put sanitary, hot-air hand dryers in the
rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them
out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine,
but when he went in there he saw a scribbled sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
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