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Crochet N More
Newsletter

Volume XV, Issue No. 7
April 15, 2012

Serving approximately 6,500 crafters...

(This newsletter distributed FREE via e-mail only on the 15th and 30th of each month)

 

Thank you for requesting the Crochet 'N' More Newsletter.
We hope to provide you with exciting information on the latest web developments pertaining to the Crochet 'N' More website as well as two of my original patterns in each issue.

If the Crochet N More website and/or
Crochet N More Newsletter
have been helpful to you and you
would like to make a donation

Click Here

THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY:

 

Your Knitting Life Magazine

031512-043012

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See more styles at
http://www.cafepress.com/crochetnmore

co

cont

God Bless You!

FEATURES IN THIS ISSUE:

GENERAL NEWS
QUESTIONS FROM THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
BIBLE TRIVIA
PAGES UPDATED
NEW LINKS
MEMBER PATTERNS
CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE
CROCHET TIP
VIEWER FEEDBACK
CONTEST/GIVE-AWAY INFORMATION
CLASSIFIED SECTION
HUMOR


GENERAL NEWS


 

Dear Subscriber:

We hope you had a wonderful Easter holiday spent with family and friends.

We're still working on our online crochet course ... keep watching our homepage for information about how to sign up.
http://www.crochetnmore.com

 

 

Send us suggestions on ways to improve the Crochetnmore website.

Don't forget... video suggestions appreciated :0)
Email me your video suggestion.

 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
New Crocheters
Click Here:
Learn to Crochet: A Beginner's Guide

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

I have added more videos since our last issue.
Take a look at our YouTube Channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/crochetnmore

Visit our Blog:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/crochetblog/

Visit our Facebook Fan Page:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crochetnmore/277255108133

Sign our Guestbook: 
http://www.amazon.com/Lisa-Hamblin/e/B00BQJYJVK/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=ur2&tag=crochetnmore


Follow Crochetnmore on Twitter

Lisa and Tim

The Breast Cancer Site

QUESTIONS FROM
THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD


Post your crochet question on
The Crochet 'N' More Message Board

and you might see it here!

QUESTION:

RE: Need Help With Picture Afghan

I would like to crochet a picture afghan that will look the same on both sides. What is the best method for changing colors to accomplish this? Thank you for your help.
-- Rita McMullen

 

 

ANSWER:

You can carry colors along the top of the stitches as you crochet, working over the unused color. The pattern will still be a mirrored image though.
This page should be helpful:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/chartcrochet.htm

Lisa Hamblin
CNM/MBA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT



" God proved His love on the Cross.
When Christ hung, and bled, and died,
it was God saying to the world, "I love you."
~~ Billy Graham ~~

 

Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; but the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him.

Isaiah 53:4-6

 

This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends, if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you, and appointed you, that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He may give to you. This I command you, that you love one another.

John 15:12-17

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me shall live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?

John 11:25

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:8-10

 

 

"CHRIST'S SACRIFICE WAS WHAT GOD
DESIRED AND OUR SIN REQUIRED."

This quote is from Our Daily Bread - April, 2012 Issue


Check out the E-votions blog:

http://www.e-votions.com/


Be careful the environment you choose, for it will
shape you; be careful the friends you choose, for
you will become like them.  - W. Clement Stone


"For where two or three have gathered
together in My name, there I am in their midst."
Matthew 18:20


Please click here and pray for those on our Prayer List


BIBLE TRIVIA


To which disciple did Jesus say:

"Reach here your finger, and see My hands;
and reach here your hand, and put it into
My side; and be not unbelieving, but beliving."


 

Click Here for the Answer

Click Here to Purchase
"The Complete Book of Bible Trivia"

Click here for more Bible Trivia


PAGES UPDATED

Only major page changes will be listed here.


FREE PATTERNS
The following patterns will be added to our Free Patterns soon.

 

 

Row Count Moon Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
ROW COUNT
MOON AFGHAN SQUARE

 

Row Count Peace Sign Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
ROW COUNT
PEACE SIGN AFGHAN SQUARE

 

 

BABY'S ABC's AFGHAN

Note added about how much yarn
is needed for this pattern.

 

 

 

 


NEW LINKS

The following link(s) have been added to our links pages.


 

None at this time.

 

 

 

 


MEMBER PATTERNS


(SUBSCRIBERS SEE THESE FIRST)
However, these patterns will be added to the Crochet 'N' More website after the next issue is sent out.

Check out all of our free crochet patterns.

Purchase your crochet supplies today!

Use the promotion code below
in your online shopping basket:

Clearance Sale



CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE

(A different crochet stitch and/or tip featured in each issue...
to be added later to the Crochet Basics page)


HOW TO JOIN GRANNY SQUARES WITH WHIP
STITCHES THROUGH THE INNER LOOPS

Thread a yarn needle with a length of yarn and sew through
corresponding stitches. You can join motifs in many different
ways. The following video demonstrates how to whip stitch
granny squares together through the inner loops.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"On-line encyclopedia of knitting and crochet facts"
http://www.lionbrand.com/faq/learnToCrochet.pdf


CROCHET TIP


When crocheting booties, slippers or socks, make both at the same time to ensure they match.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scrap Yarn Ideas ... do you have number 90?

 

The following page is compilation of uses for scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS

If you have a use that's not listed email me!


VIEWER FEEDBACK

NOTE: Any comments left on the CNM website or sent via email may be posted here.

Leave your message in our guestbook... and it may appear in an issue of the CNM Newsletter!


Subject: Baby_Beanie

Good morning. I am trying to crochet the baby beanie. I know how to crochet by watching. You don’t have a video under the instructions and I don’t understand some of the abbreviations. I know that dc is double crochet

R3: Sl st bet next 2sts. Ch3, dc in same sp. Ch3, dc in same sp. Dc bet next 2 sts. (2dc bet next 2 sts. Dc bet next 2 sts) around. (36dc) Join with sl st in top of beg ch3. Do not turn.

I know that Ch3 means chain 3, DC means double crochet.
Can you tell me what is need here please?

Thanks,
Analida Leiva

<< reply >>

Thank you for your email.

I have a two video tutorial for this pattern and I have added the videos
to the pattern page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/babybeanie.htm

When you need to reference a stitch you can find stitch abbreviations,
instructions and video links on our Crochet Basics page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics.htm
Enjoy!


Via the Crochetnmore YouTube Channel

RE: How to Crochet : Reverse Half Double Crochet

 

Comment:

Very helpful! Thank you! The other video I found was poorly lit and she was using a pattern that called for 3 strands of yarn so it was a bit hard to see. Thanks for clearly demonstrating!!! :)

MRoberts2114

 


RE: Question about crochet pattern - Baby's ABC's afghan

A friend at work showed me this pattern and it looks simple enough for a novice crochet-er to manage. I do have a question though. The pattern calls for 5 skeins of caron simply soft, white. It does not specify if this is the 3oz or 6 oz skeins. Which do you use?
Thanks, Shawn

<< reply >>

I have never made this afghan using Simply Soft yarn so
I’m not sure which size skeins they intended.
This may help you decide.

According to this page:
http://www.caron.com/color_cards/cc_simplysoft.html
this yarn is a Size 4.

I use Bernat Baby Coordinates which is a Size 3 yarn:
http://www.bernat.com/product.php?LGC=babycoordinates
with a size G hook because I love the look of that particular yarn
and the size G hook makes the afghan a good size.

The two pages above list information on yardage which may help you
decide how much to purchase.

I always buy 5 or 6 skeins (5.6 ounce) of the Bernat Baby Coordinates
just to be sure I have enough. Beware! Bernat has resized their yarn
skeins so there is less per skein and the price went up where we live also.

I weighed the last afghan I made and it weighed 1lb 5-3/8 ounces
(so that one took 22 ounces to make using Bernat Baby Coordinates).

You can never be too careful and it’s best to take into account that skeins of
yarn can have problems in the center. Also, any yarn left over can
be used for other baby items to go with the afghan.

 


Via the Crochetnmore Twitter page

@Crochetnmore your page is my new favorite for online patterns! I'm LOVING it! Thanks!
BabyLuvLiLi BabyLuv


Post on the Crochetnmore Message Board

Hi, I have just discovered your web site and I'm very impressed you have so many patterns and free at that. And this is a Christian site praise the Lord I was so encouraged when reading your testimony thank you for sharing it may it continue to bless and reach many more folk.Wow I'll be telling others of this site it's awesome! At present time I'm more interested in baby knitting patterns and preemie baby patterns to use in our Ladies group at church to help support newborn babies in various circumstances. So thank you for making these available. May God continue to bless you in all that you do. By the way I live in New Zealand. Audrey


RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

http://www.crochetnmore.com/ringinthemiddleafghansquare.htm
RING IN THE MIDDLE AFGHAN SQUARE - 6" Crochet Pattern

Comment:

I like that I can read this pattern on my only semi-smart cell phone.
Peggy Drake

 


RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

Hi Lisa, I have a quick question. I was on your website and saw the In the Round Placemat, on the instructions it says at the end of Row 25 to slip stitch to join in marked stitch, but I don't see where it says which stitch to mark. Is it just the first stitch of this round? Thanks for your great patterns & help.
Sylvia L. Vasquez-Ellis

Comment:
Must have typed that pattern while I was half asleep... I have added information about markers. Corrections are in blue:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/intheroundplacemat.html

 


Via the Crochetnmore YouTube Channel


SoftballChik10197 has made a comment on
How to Crochet - Join with a slip stitch to form a ring

Thanks i had to watch it a few times to understand after slipping your hook through the hole but it was very helpful. You might want to do the circle instructions a few times but thanks!



RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page


"I enjoy the Crochetnmore web site all of the time... Thank you Crochetnmore for your continued service & dedication you put into your site. its all appreciated. :o)"
Tracy Lee



I am looking for a pattern to crochet a "pull over" men's vest, I hope you can help me. I only seem to find knitted patterns. I can knit but prefer crocheting.

I really enjoy your news letter and have been a subscriber for a few years now.

Thank you in advance,
Ann

<< reply >>

I found a couple of patterns that are free.
This one is a pullover:
http://crochetme.com/media/p/88442.aspx
but this one isn’t:
http://www.redheart.com/free-patterns/rugged-vest

These are for sale:
http://www.ecrater.com/p/6895139/mens-vintage-crochet-pattern-up-and-down

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pullover-V-Neck-Vest-Crochet-Pattern-/290567459622


Hi there
Thanks for your very helpful website. I am trying to crochet for the first time and having difficulty understanding the pattern.
It says 2ch, 3 tr

Does that mean triple treble crochet or 3 seprate treble crochets. If it was 3 seperate wold I do 3 chain stitches for each one – as you can see I am confused. I have mastered the basic techniques but don;t know how to read the pattern!

Many thanks for your help.

Katharine Jackson

<< reply >>

That means 3 separate treble crochet stitches.
You do not chain before each one... just work the stitches.


RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

What is your earliest memory of you crocheting?

My earliest memory was watching my Aunt Brenda making an afghan at my Great Grandmother's house at Christmas. Watching her crochet intrigued me so much that I asked her to show me how. I remember she ran out of yarn but let me take out a couple of rows and re-crochet them. I did that more than once that night.

When my sister and I were younger Mom and Dad would take us to the store and tell us we could have one thing. I would ask for two things because I needed a hook and yarn.
Lisa

Comments:

I grew up watching my Grandma crochet. I never had any desire to learn until I was much older. I am left handed and it was always an obstacle. My Grandma bought me a left handed crochet book about 20 years ago and I started trying to dec...ipher it! Got part of a doily done and gave up. Too many kids and too much other stuff going on to keep my interest. Didn't pick it up until 4 years ago and have not quit since! I keep challenging myself with new stitches and more advanced projects all the time. I take it with me where ever I go :)
Judy Glendy-Webb

---

My Grandma taught me to make chains when I was three...mostly to keep me occupied I think...but I have literally crocheted ever since...had a fifth grade teacher who taught everyone (boys too) in our class to make a doily and of course my pattern just had to be the toughest. Square with Pinapples in the corners and huge ruffle around the edge. Still have it...and thats been a heck of a lot of years.
Gracie Knowles

---

Gracie, I hace a 3 yr old daughter, and I have been waiting for her to grow up to teach her, I guess I will start tomorrow :) Gracie, I hace a 3 yr old daughter, and I have been waiting for her to grow up to teach her, I guess I will start tomorrow :)
Eimy Rapalo de Melgar

---
I taught our daughter to crochet when she was 4 years old and to knit when she was 5 years old. If they can hold the hook or needles they can learn.
Crochetnmore (Lisa)

---

I taught myself how to crochet whilst I was expecting my first child. That was 31 years ago, I really wanted a baby blanket made of granny squares and could not buy one anywhere, so I made my own. I still own it, and now my son and partner are expecting their first child, it will be passed on to them. Best thing I ever did, I love to crochet and will not stop until I have to.
Andrea Reynolds

---

My granny teaching me to make a square, she used to make beautiful 3d ornamental swans, really pretty and delicate. Well my 'square' came out shaped as a duck lol! I walked round looking smug for days thinking it took her years to have the skill to make these swans and I can make a duck on my first go lol. Think I was about 5 lol! And no I still can't make the swans at 45.
Alison Mccreery

---

My first memory of anyone crocheting was my great grandmother back in 1944 or 45. My mom started crocheting in the late 40's early 50's and that's when she taught me to crochet. My first "project" was to hook a rag rug.
Jarra Poe

---

By myself. Just me & a book. I was 13. I made a hat & some sandals. 7 years later I asked a lady to teach me how to make granny squares.
Cyndie Dougherty Richards

 


RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

"I said it before & I shall say it again !! Crochet 'n' More is my all time favorite web site & not only for the patterns, but for 'it' as a whole . Thank you for all you do."
Tracy Lee

<< reply >>

You're very welcome. I'm so glad you enjoy my site... I've put many hours into it and it's nice to know it's appreciated.
Crochetnmore

 


RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

Crochet Tip:
Print free online crochet patterns because there's no guarantee they will be there later.

Comments:

Read what fans are saying about this tip:
https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10150789515368134&id=277255108133

 


RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

Crochet Tip: If you encounter a stitch you aren't familiar with.. check our Crochet Basics page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics.htm

Comments:

It won't load on my phone all the way so how do you do a front post double crochet?
Jennifer Cathleen Caleb

The basics page is pretty big... that's probably why. Here's how:
Yarn over,
insert hook from the front side of the work right to left
around the post of the indicated stitch on a previous row;
yo and pull up a loop (3 loops on hook);
yo and draw through two lps (2 loops on hook);
yo and draw through two loops (1 loop on hook)

Here's a video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNZ3hICSk-c

Crochetnmore

 


Re: granny square

HI
I can't figure out something on your block O granny square.

My question is how do you do the change in colors? Do you break off or what?

Thanks

Jo

<< reply >>

I never break the yarn in this pattern.. I carry it along as I go.

This is the Row Count Purple Heart Coaster pattern:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/rowcountpurpleheartcoaster.htm

The following videos show how to make the Row Count Purple Heart Coaster pattern which
is made the same way as the O square. The videos show how I change colors and what happens
to the unused color as you go along.

Complete Demonstration of how to crochet the Row Count Purple Heart Coaster - Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4ObY6dxZjY

 

Complete Demonstration of how to crochet the Row Count Purple Heart Coaster - Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pc8KXJVmf5M



RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

Finished! One Skein Bunny by Deb Richey......so cute! Can't wait to give it. Nose looks crooked but it's just the variegated yarn light on one side. This was my first amigurumi, I loved it.
Luciana Young

Luciana Young made this One Skein Bunny by Deb Richey


RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page

Free Dog Sweater Crochet Pattern
Adjustable for any breed!
http://www.crochetnmore.com/dogsweater.htm

See versions our viewers have made in The Dog House:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/thedoghouse.htm

Comment:
When I first started using my laptop I saw this briefly and then couldn't find it.
A ibrarian finally found it for me!
My ShihTzu loves it!
Walli Osborn Martinez

 


RE: Coaster Tray

No problems. But I do have question. Where can I find the 1 1/4 oz yarn? I've looked and only thing I've found the 6 oz yarn
David

<< reply >>

You will need to purchase the 6 ounce skein.
1-1/4 ounces is the amount needed to make the Coaster Tray.


Re: Help with Crochet Problem

I am working on a crochet project and have made strips that I will now be sewing together. But I have a huge problem... working on a project when I am tired, bad idea. One of the strips was too long, and instead of thinking it's not just pulling out freely, I kept taking the end apart until I got to the end of the row and realized I had taken the beginning chain and first row of double crochet out, instead of the last row. Now I have all these little loops at the end and I can't figure out how to fix it - can I? If not I guess I will have to redo the entire 6 foot strip.

Anxiously awaiting your answer.
Sandy McShea

<< reply >>

Hopefully your strip worked vertically and not horizontally so you
don’t have a ton of loops to secure.

You should be able to pick up the loops along that edge and
work slip stitches into them to get a secured edge again.
Check how many stitches are along the row and pick up loops
accordingly to be sure you make the same number of slip stitches
as you have stitches.


Meet the newest member of The Dog House!

Mick Jagger -- The Dog House - Crochetnmore

* Mick Jagger *
Owner: Walli Osborn Martinez

 


Hello there,
I wanted to tell you that I made your clothespin bag design & just love
it! It is so sturdy & big enough for ALL my clothespins!

Thanks so much!
Julie McKenzie
Maine


Post on the Crochetnmore Google+ page:

Row Count Maze Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
http://www.crochetnmore.com/rowcountmazeafghansquare.html

Comment

- I realy like it
María Luisa Luque

 


Post on the Crochetnmore Google+ page:

Free Crochet Pattern: Clothespin Bag
http://www.crochetnmore.com/clothespinbag.html

Comments:

- Love This!
Tina TStitchesandCrafts

---

- totally making this, this weekend! I have been looking for something like this for a long time. Thanks
Corene Seaver

 


 

 

Kind words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless.
                                   Mother Teresa


CONTEST/GIVEAWAY INFORMATION

The information provided below is strictly for your enjoyment.


Red Heart Yarn of the Month Giveaway:
http://www.redheart.com/blog/yarn-month-giveaway-april

 

 

 


CLASSIFIED SECTION


Got something you'd like to sell ?
Looking for a particular item to buy?
Put your ad here to be seen by approximately 5,500 crafters...
Click here to place an advertisement in our Classified Section.


~ ~ ~ YOUR AD COULD GO HERE! ~ ~ ~

 


Do you know a little girl that doesn't have a baby to hold and care for?
Please visit our site and click on request a doll on the left hand side of the site.

If you need a teddy bear for a little boy please add next to their information
on the request for that it’s for a little boy so we know to send a teddy..
http://www.mollysbabies.org

while your there visit are many pages, we have a volunteer application page
with all the information on there.

We also have Santa letter's, items for sale.. all proceeds goes to Molly's Babies inc.
Right now to keep Molly's Babies Inc running we need your support. so please visit
our site today and see if you can help out with something.. how you can help page
and a lot more. stop by and check us out.. look forward to your visit.

Click here for ways you can help!

Mary B.

Molly's Babies Inc.
P.O. Box 308
Versailles, CT. 06383

http://www.mollysbabies.org

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=WY3PT9P5P4JAL

Newsletter
http://oi.vresp.com?fid=439e0bb678

Blog:
http://mollys-babies.blogspot.com/

 


          The Buddy Bulletin Newspapers    
Stream Your Tweets Outward - To The Wider World

The Website: http://www.buddybulletin.com/
The Blog: http://buddybulletinblog.blogspot.com/
The Buddy Bulletin Newspaper: http://paper.li/SuperEB/1322068502
The Buddy Bulletin #Crafts: http://paper.li/SuperEB/1324399824

cont.


Unique photos at reasonable prices!

Haley Hamblin Photography
Haley Hamblin Photography

 


www.joann.com


Get Your Home In Order!

Click Here


 

How to Start a Tutoring Business

cont.

 


Threads N Stitches

cont.


You can buy our 51 page book
through Cafe Press.

Click Here to order your copy today!
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1

cont

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cont.


Get your copy of the Gas Mileage Guide today!
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/

There's also a free Version available.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/freepreview.htm
Also make sure to check out almost daily tips for saving money
and having fun without breaking the bank.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/gas-savings-blog/

cont.


This book is a wonderful addition to any crochet library.
I've had numerous requests over the years of what to crochet for boys.
Crobots are definitely the answer!
This 96-page book is filled with numerous types of Crobot patterns as well as well-illustrated instructions for the
crochet stitches, assembly stitches and other embellishments used in the patterns.
The patterns are well written, some of the book is written in a small font but the pictures are wonderful. NOTE: This book comes to you with a safety warning regarding the small parts used in the patterns.
Therefore, please use your own discretion as to the age of the child you intend the gift for.


I have to tell you about this new book.
SweaterBabe.com's Fabulous & Flirty Crochet
I'm so happy to have it in my crochet library.Katherine Lee has an eye for style and a definite knack for creating beautiful crochet patterns.
I was really happy with the large colorful project photos.
There's something for everyone!
The aspect of Fabulous and Flirty Crochet that stood out to me was the section on the yarns
used in the patterns. One page shows "actual size" photos of the yarns which makes it super
easy to substitute other yarns if you want to. For those who stay strictly to the recommended
yarn in a pattern Katherine has included a yarn resource list. The projects are very fashionable
and perfect for gift giving... though I'm sure you'll have to make something for yourself :o)
I can't wait to try the Flirty Skirt and the Ruffled Strap Tank.

Get your copy of Fabulous & Flirty Crochet today!


=====================================================


If your home business isn't growing as fast as you'd like, maybe you need to move to a new neighborhood!
Come be a part of our home and small business community at Creative Enterprises!
We bring new meaning to "networking" and resource sharing!
Sign up for your membership today at
7http://www.creativethought.com

cont.



HUMOR



~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Laughter is an instant vacation." - Milton Berle
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf.

Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.

 


A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers and moistened each dog's head when I finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent.

As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered,
"I didn't know they had to be baptized."

 



My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming,
"Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"


A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."


In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child; "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

 



A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it.
'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."



A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 



As she watched me struggle to pop the childproof cap off a bottle of medicine, my eight-year-old
daughter asked, "Why do they even have childproof caps? They know kids hate medicine."

 


I took my four-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guys' night out."

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I explained that they were tiny seeds and that they were OK to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."


Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough.

“The next person who interrupts this proceeding will be thrown out of my court!” he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, “Hooray!”

 


A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing," his mother asked?

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

 


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill!"

 


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