Crochet N More
Newsletter

Volume XIII, Issue No. 4
February 28, 2010

Serving approximately 5,500 crafters...

(This newsletter distributed FREE via e-mail only on the 15th and 30th of each month)

Thank you for requesting the Crochet 'N' More Newsletter.
We hope to provide you with exciting information on the latest web developments pertaining to the Crochet 'N' More website as well as two of my original patterns in each issue.

If the Crochet N More website and/or Crochet N More Newsletter
have been helpful to you and you would like to make a donation

Click Here

THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY:

Haley (and her Dad) have been hard at work on our Café Press T-shirt shop.
We’ve expanded a bit. We have a crochet t-shirts section.
Just click on the design you like.
We also have crochet cups, mugs, aprons, and totes.
Some crochet stuff for your baby (bibs, onesies, etc).
Just in time for valentine’s day we have hearts .
We’ll be expanding and putting up more designs in the months and weeks ahead.
And Haley wanted me to say thank you for all those who have bought things and visited.

cont.

Plus Size Dresses

Shopping for a plus size dress?
Sydney’s Closet offers you the largest selection of
trendy plus size dresses in
sizes 14 to 44 in stock and ready to ship.
Discover styles that fit and flatter every figure!

cont.

God Bless You!

FEATURES IN THIS ISSUE:

GENERAL NEWS
QUESTIONS FROM THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
BIBLE TRIVIA
PAGES UPDATED
NEW LINKS
MEMBER PATTERNS
CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE
CROCHET TIP
VIEWER FEEDBACK
CONTEST/GIVE-AWAY INFORMATION
CLASSIFIED SECTION
HUMOR


GENERAL NEWS

Dear Subscriber:

Hopefully all of the technical difficulties we've experienced lately are a thing of the past.
We've had problems uploading pages and the last problem was huge... my entire site disappeared.
So, in the future... i
f you try to visit Crochet N More and receive any types of error message,
please email us.

We have had our share of snow this winter too... but snow didn't stop the Woodpecker:

Pileated Woodpecker

 

Lisa and Tim

 

Follow Crochetnmore on Twitter

 

 

The Breast Cancer Site

 


PEN PAL?

If you would like to be added to the Crochet 'N' More Pen Pal list please send an email including the following:
Name, Email Address and Interests.
(For interests, please send General Information Only such as what types of things you enjoy crocheting, your favorite threads and/or yarns, etc. Please, no personal information such as age, marital status, snail mail address, etc., and limit your entry to 25-35 words.)


QUESTIONS FROM
THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD


Post your crochet question on The Crochet 'N' More Message Board and you might see it here!

QUESTION:

Looking for a dishcloth pattern w/scrubbies in it
I found this pattern on your website about a year and a half ago. It was a dishcloth that was made in an octogon shape but your crocheted in the bumps which made the scrubbies. The pattern was done in yellow. I made quite a few of these for friends and family and they all loved them and they want more but I lost the pattern. So if you could please help me out I would greatly appreciate it.
Sheila G

ANSWER:

http://dishandwashclothmania.com/cloths-with-scrubbies/
Patterngal

 


WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT


THERE WILL BE A DAY
Jeremy Camp

 

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might.

Ephesians 1:18-19

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break and or steal; for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

 

No man can by any means redeem his brother, or give to God a ransom for him-- for the redemption of his soul is costly, and he should cease trying forever-- that he should live on eternally; that he should not undergo decay. For he sees that even wise men die; the stupid and the senseless alike perish, and leave their wealth to others.

Psalm 49:7-10

How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Thy word. With all my heart I have sought Thee; do not let me wander from Thy commandments. Thy word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against Thee. Blessed art Thou, O Lord; teach me Thy statutes. With my lips I have told of all the ordinances of Thy mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of Thy testimonies. As much as in all riches. I will meditate on Thy precepts, and regard Thy ways. I shall delight in Thy statutes; I shall not forget Thy word.

Psalm 119:9-16

Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Colossians 3:16-17

 

"OUR REAL WEALTH IS
WHAT WE INVEST FOR ETERNITY."

This quote is from Our Daily Bread - February, 2010 Issue


"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst." Matthew 18:20


Please click here and pray for those on our Prayer List


BIBLE TRIVIA


How many books are in the Old Testament?
and
How many books are in the New Testament?

 

Click Here for the Answer

 

Click Here to Purchase
"The Complete Book of Bible Trivia"

 

Click here for more Bible Trivia


PAGES UPDATED

Only major page changes will be listed here.


FREE PATTERNS
The following patterns will be added to our Free Patterns soon.

Pink Ribbon Eye Glass Case Crochet Pattern
PINK RIBBON
EYE GLASS CASE

 

Star Burst Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
STAR BURST
AFGHAN SQUARE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


NEW LINKS


The following link(s) have been added to our links pages.

FROM EWE TO YOU

 

 

 

 

 

 


MEMBER PATTERNS


(SUBSCRIBERS SEE THESE FIRST)
However, these patterns will be added to the Crochet 'N' More website after the next issue is sent out.

 

Row Count Dress Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
ROW COUNT
DRESS
AFGHAN SQUARE

 

 

Row Count Handprint Afghan Square
ROW COUNT
HANDPRINT
AFGHAN SQUARE

 

 

Purchase your crochet supplies today!

Use the promotion code below
in your online shopping basket:

 
  Clearance Sale
   
 
Click here to see our growing collection of FREE PATTERNS  

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 




CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE

(A different crochet stitch and/or tip featured in each issue...
to be added later to the Crochet Basics page)


2-STITCH DOUBLE TREBLE CLUSTER
(2Dtr Cl)

Omitting the last step of each dtr, dtr in the first stitch, dtr in the second stitch,
YO, draw through all 3 lps on hook.

THE UNABBREVIATED INSTRUCTIONS:

Begin your first Double Treble:

Yarn over three times,
insert your hook into the stitch or space indicated.
Yarn over and pull up a loop. (You should have five loops on your hook.)
Yarn over and draw through two loops. (You should have four loops on your hook.)
Yarn over and draw through two loops. (You should have three loops on your hook.)
Yarn over and draw through two loops. (You should have two loops on your hook.)
Do not finish this stitch... you should leave the two loops on your hook

Begin your next Double Treble:
Yarn over three times,
insert your hook into the stitch or space indicated.
Yarn over and pull up a loop. (You should have 6 loops on your hook.)
Yarn over and draw through two loops. (You should have 5 loops on your hook.)
Yarn over and draw through two loops. (You should have 4 loops on your hook.)
Yarn over and draw through two loops. (You should have 3 loops on your hook.)
Yarn over and draw through all 3 loops.

 

NOTE: You can cluster more than two stitches... simply complete each additional stitch without completing the last step, then yarn over and draw through all loops remaining on the hook to cluster them all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----

ILLUSTRATED BASIC CROCHET INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE BEGINNER:

HOW TO DO A STARTING CHAIN

SINGLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

HALF DOUBLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

DOUBLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

TRIPLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

"On-line encyclopedia of knitting and crochet facts"
http://www.lionbrand.com/faq/learnToCrochet.pdf

 


CROCHET TIP


The Reverse Half Double works up similar to the Reverse Single Crochet stitch but it makes for a thicker edge. I recommend this stitch for a sturdy edging.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scrap Yarn Ideas ...

do you have number 74?

 

 

The following page is compilation of uses for scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS

If you have a use that's not listed email me!

 


VIEWER FEEDBACK

NOTE: Any comments left on the CNM website or sent via email may be posted here.

Leave your message in our guestbook... and it may appear in an issue of the CNM Newsletter !


RE: Your crochet website...help!

Hi, I was reading about the abbreviations and help with reading patterns on your site..its very helpful, Thanks! BUT I'm still stuck in my pattern. I'm a super beginner and don't understand the * and ** repeat patterns...

This is where I'm stuck:
Ch 5, sc in ch-5 lp, *3 dc in next sc, sc in next lp**, ch 5, sc in next lp; rep from * to last sc, end at **; ch 2, dc in last sc; turn

I'm so lost...am I supposed to repeat the whole thing or do I repeat the first set * and end with **...Oh, I just don't get it and I've tried a million different ways. I won't give up and I you said email you if there were troubles...well I'm in trouble...thanks for your help!
-LINDSEY

<< reply >>

Don't be afraid of the asterisks...
they are only a way for the designer to shorten the pattern.

>> This is where I'm stuck: Ch 5, sc in ch-5 lp, *3 dc in next sc, sc in next lp**,
>> ch 5, sc in next lp; rep from * to last sc, end at **; ch 2, dc in last sc; turn

This means you do the following:

Chain 5
Single crochet in the chain 5 loop (work the single crochet into the hole beneath the five chains)
*
Work 3 double crochets in the next single crochet
Single crochet in the next loop
**
Chain 5
Single crochet in the next loop.
Repeat from the single asterisk * across to the last single crochet stitch
End your last repeat at the double asterisk **
Chain 2
Double crochet in the last single crochet.
Turn.

So as far as the asterisks go... you will be repeating the instructions from the single asterisk over and over until you only have one single crochet left and the last repeat will end at the double asterisks, then you make two chains and work a double crochet in the last single crochet stitch.
Does that make sense?


Re: Baby headbands - Wide/Lacy

Hi! I was looking through you hat web site for a pattern of a headband that looks like this http://www.sweetbabybowtique.com/catalog.php?category=96 Do you have the pattern for this headband? Ive been looking for it on the internet all day and cant find it. I would use the pattern only for my personal use. If you could help me out that would be great! Thanks so much ~ Shelly Snapp

<< reply >>

I found where you can purchase the plain headbands here:
http://www.infant-headbands.com/infantheadbandshairbands-c-89.html?sort=2a&page=1

I haven't been able to locate a pattern for this type of headband but I will keep this in mind for future designs. I have a headband pattern on this page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/ribbedheadband.htm

Here are a couple of other headband patterns:
http://promotions.drgnetwork.com/newsletters/talkingcrochet/pages/TCNL1707_patt1.html

http://naidascrochet.tripod.com/patterns/headbands.html

http://crochet.about.com/library/n051007.htm


Just joined your newsletter. I discovered the joy of using circular crochet hooks, and your wonderful, instructional, pattern for the reversible double-ended crochet hook afghan. Thanks for the clear and easy reading of the pattern, and yet challenging for the advanced crocheter. I'm part of the Prayer Shawl Ministry at Taftville Congregational Church in Taftville, CT and we knit and crochet chemo caps for adults, preemie caps for neonatal children, and prayer shawls for those who are experiencing challenges in their lives, whether bereavement or illness. Thank you to your blessed website. Phyllis


Thanks for the information. I'm glad to join you! I'm going to visit you regularly as you have a lot to offer!
Alica Brown


Re: Pinwheel_Dishcloth

HI
I am a little new to crocheting and would like to make your pinwheel dishcloth. I just have a few questions. I understand the beginning ch 4 than dc in 4th chain from hook but I am confused on my next step. Can u help please? Also do I do the instructions that are in ( )? These must sound like stupid questions but I am just learning crocheting.
Thank you
Charlene

<< reply >>

First of all... there are no stupid questions.

Try this...
For Round 1 do the following:
Chain 4
Work one double crochet in the 4th chain from the hook.
Chain 2,
Work 2 double crochets in the same chain (that's one time)
Chain 2, Work 2 double crochets in the same chain (that's two times)
Chain 2, Work 2 double crochets in the same chain (that's three times)
Chain 2
Join with a slip stitch in the top of the beginning chain 4.

For Round 2 do this:
Do not turn.
Slip stitch in the next double crochet.
Slip stitch in the next chain 2 space (work the slip stitch in the hole beneath the two chains)
Chain 3
Work 4 double crochets in the same space.
Chain 2,
Work 5 double crochet stitches in the next chain 2 space. (that's one time)
Chain 2, Work 5 double crochet stitches in the next chain 2 space. (that's two times)
Chain 2, Work 5 double crochet stitches in the next chain 2 space. (that's three times)
Chain 2
Join with a slip stitch in the top of the beginning chain 3.

Hope this helps you get started.
Remember, you can find stitch abbreviations and instructions on our Crochet Basics page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics.htm
Good luck!


RE: ReadAPattern

What does dc2tog mean?
DJTuckey

<< reply >>

Dc2tog is a double crochet decrease over two stitches.

Here's how:
Work a double crochet in the next stitch without completing the very last step
    (leave the last two loops on the hook)
Double crochet in the next stitch without completing the last step.
You should have three loops on the hook Yarn over and draw through all the loops.
Decrease made.

You can find this and many other stitch abbreviations and instructions on our
Crochet Basics page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics.htm


Re: Row_Count_Shamrock_Coaster

I just loved this when I saw it and started to make one for an elderly friend but I got stuck!
I did the first row w/ the white and green but after I turned I couldn't understand it because I had the long/unworked parts of the yarn showing and I don't know how to hide them?
and the working yarn ends were now in the front??
I hope you understand what I mean and can help.
Thanks anyway, if you can't.
Ruby

<< reply >>

The Row Count patterns are designed to carry the unused colors along.
When you change to a new color you lay the unused color along the top of
the stitches and keep working over it to the point where you will need it
again on the next row.

Take a look at this page for more information on carrying colors:
http://crochetnmore.com/chartcrochet.htm


RE: Even Row Ends

Hi Lisa, how are you today? How do I end off each row evenly without dropping a stitch. I am doing well with sc,dc,tc, but when I get to the end of each row is when is when my problems begin. I will like to end each row nice and even. Thanks

<< reply >>

This is one of the most trickiest parts of crocheting.
If you go in the wrong stitch your stitch count can suffer which can make your edges uneven.
This can be tricky but here's my best explanation ...
If the stitch is a single and you chain 1 to turn then place the first single in the same stitch as the chain 1.
If the stitch is a double crochet, think of each double as a little fence post.
I never place the first double crochet stitch in the same stitch as the chain 3.
As long as I have one fence post on top of each fence post on the previous row I'm ok with my stitch count
and my row ends stay even.


Re: Pattern help page suggestion: working back?

I am working on a pattern that says: "working back along other side of ch" any idea what that means? I can send a pic of the pattern and the work I've got already if that will help you visualize it. I am so stumped! -- -Talina

<< reply >>

>> "working back along other side of ch"

This means you work on the opposite side of the foundation chain.
This is normally done when crocheting an oval shape.
The first row is done and then in the last chain you work more stitches
to make the piece begin an oval shape and continue working back down
the chain opposite the stitches you already made.


Subject: HELP!
http://www.kristentendyke.com/pdf/LacyCrochetKerchief.pdf

I used to watch Mother crochet and she would tell me to do this and do that. But I never learned the names of the stitches or terms used in crocheting, much less how to read a pattern. My doctor told me to find something I enjoy doing and do it to relax. I am trying to crochet a lacy crochet kerchief from a free pattern I found at Freecrochetmepatterns. IT is the 7th picture on page 5. Anyway, I got the band done and now I am told to and I quote "Place markers into the first and last st of the center 41(57) sts, or approx, 4/7 of the total length, being sure the center sts are a multiple of 8 sts + 1 (for example: 33, 41, 49. 57 and 65 are all a multiple of 8 sts + 1) {I think I got that but now comes what I do not get.}---15 (20) sc each side; or desired number of sts ---center sts divided by 2. Pull the other end of your enter-pull ball, or use your second ball of yarn and join it with a sl st into both, front and back, strands of the first marked st. The yarn rem at beg-of-row will be worked later, do not cut." end quote. I realize you are busy but there is no one around here that crochets to help me. I want to let you know how much I have used and appreciate your web site. It has been a tremendous help to me. I have a friend who wants me to teach her and I plan on referring to your site quite often. Thank you so much!!!!! Myra Butler

<< reply >>

I'm glad my site has been useful to you.

For your pattern... you mark off the main center 41 (57) stitches by placing a marker on each side of that number of stitches. Make sure the marked stitches are a multiple of 8 stitches plus 1.
All that means is that you can make the Triangle part of the pattern work as long as the number of stitches you mark off is divisible by 8 plus 1... it doesn't have to be 41 or 57... it can be any number as long as you can subtract one and then evenly divide by 8.

Now you should have 15 (20) stitches on the left side and 15 (20) stitches on the right side of the marked stitches. Again... this number doesn't matter as long as you have the same number of stitches on either side of the marked off stitches.

Now you join your yarn with a slip stitch into the first marked stitch through both loops. Now you begin the Triangle part of the pattern... ignoring the stitches to the left and to the right of the marked stitches for now.

The yarn that you left at the beginning of the row... ignore it for now.


Re: Can you pls interpret these instructions for me?

I am new at this and need help. Here are the instructions. ROW 1 (right side): Single crochet in 2nd chain from hook, *chain 1, skip next chain; sc in next chain, repeat from * 24 times, turn - 25 single crochet, 24 chain-1 spaces. Thanks, Lillian Scheele

<< reply >>

>> ROW 1 (right side): Single crochet in 2nd chain from hook, *chain 1, skip next chain; sc in next chain, repeat from * 24 times, turn – 25 single crochet, 24 chain-1 spaces.

This means for Row 1, which will be considered the right side of your project you do the following:

Single crochet in the 2nd chain from the hook
*
chain 1
skip the next chain
single crochet in the next chain

Now repeat the instructions from the asterisk 24 more times.
Turn

When that row is finished you should have 25 single crochet stitches
and 24 spaces where you made one chain.


I love the Lid Grabber Hat but I do not know how to do FPDC.
Can you please explain to me what it is.
thanks Charlene

<< reply >>

This is a front post double crochet.

FPDC

FRONT POST DOUBLE CROCHET

(a/k/a
Front Raised
Double Crochet)

Yarn over, insert hook from the front side of the work right to left around the post of the indicated stitch on a previous row;
yo and pull up a loop (3 lps on hk)
yo and draw through two lps (2 lps on hk)
yo and draw through two lps (1 lp on hk)

Illustrations

in other words... each double crochet looks like a little fence post.
You put the hook through the work on the right side of the post and bring it around behind and back through the work toward the front, on the left side of the post. Then yarn over and pull up a loop and finish the double crochet stitch. Hope you enjoy the pattern!


Subject: Baby_Sandals

Can these be made and sold or are they personal use only?
Karrah Elizabeth Silvas

<< reply >>

You can make these for personal use or to sell.
All I ask is the pattern itself not be sold or posted elsewhere.
Thank you so much for asking!


Re: Suggestion/Question

Lisa I am new at crocheting and I am doing an lap warmer and on the second row it reads that after I (dc chain 3 double crochet,) in the next chain-3 space, I don't know what chain 3 space means. Can you help me PLEASE. I have started this warmer 3 times thinking I knew what it meant but every time it just does not look right. Thanks for your help. Marge

<< reply >>

>> (dc chain 3 double crochet) in the next chain-3 space

that means you work
one double crochet,
3 chains, and
another double crochet

all in the hole beneath the next 3 chains you made on the previous row.


Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
                                                               Mother Teresa


CONTEST/GIVEAWAY INFORMATION

The information provided below is strictly for your enjoyment.


Caron Yarn Giveaway!

 

Enter the new contest at Creative Enterprises !

Click Here for Your Chance to Win!

 

 


CLASSIFIED SECTION


Got something you'd like to sell ?
Looking for a particular item to buy ?

Put your ad here to be seen by approximately 5,500 crafters...


Click here to place an advertisement in our Classified Section.

 


~ ~ ~ YOUR AD COULD GO HERE! ~ ~ ~


 


See more styles at
http://www.cafepress.com/crochetnmore

cont


 

Threads N Stitches

cont.


You can buy our 51 page book
through Cafe Press.

Click Here to order your copy today!
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1

 

cont

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cont.


Get your copy of the Gas Mileage Guide today!
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/

There's also a free Version available.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/freepreview.htm

Also make sure to check out almost daily tips for saving money
and having fun without breaking the bank.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/gas-savings-blog/

cont.


This book is a wonderful addition to any crochet library.
I've had numerous requests over the years of what to crochet for boys.
Crobots are definitely the answer!
This 96-page book is filled with numerous types of Crobot patterns as well as well-illustrated instructions for the crochet stitches, assembly stitches and other embellishments used in the patterns. The patterns are well written, some of the book is written in a small font but the pictures are wonderful.

NOTE: This book comes to you with a safety warning regarding the small parts used in the patterns. Therefore, please use your own discretion as to the age of the child you intend the gift for.

 

 

 


 

Get your copy of Diane England's
"Cute Crochet for Kids" :

 

 

 


I have to tell you about this new book.
SweaterBabe.com's Fabulous & Flirty Crochet
I'm so happy to have it in my crochet library.

Katherine Lee has an eye for style and a definite knack for creating beautiful crochet patterns.
I was really happy with the large colorful project photos.
There's something for everyone!
The aspect of Fabulous and Flirty Crochet that stood out to me was the section on the yarns used in the patterns.
One page shows "actual size" photos of the yarns which makes it super easy to substitute other yarns if you want to.
For those who stay strictly to the recommended yarn in a pattern Katherine has included a yarn resource list.
The projects are very fashionable and perfect for gift giving... though I'm sure you'll have to make something for yourself :o)
I can't wait to try the Flirty Skirt and the Ruffled Strap Tank.

Get your copy of Fabulous & Flirty Crochet today!


 

=====================================================

Country Village Mall


If your home business isn't growing as fast as you'd like, maybe you need to move to a new neighborhood! Come be a part of our home and small business community at Creative Enterprises!
We bring new meaning to "networking" and resource sharing!
Sign up for your membership today at

7http://www.creativethought.com

cont.



HUMOR



 

During marine field training in S.C., the drill instructor threw a pine cone among the recruits and yelled, "Grenade!" The trainees immediately turned away and hit the ground. "Just as I suspected," chided the drill instructor. "Not a hero among you. Didn't anyone want to jump on that grenade to save the others?"
A little later the DI again threw a pine cone. This time, all the recruits but one jumped on the "grenade."

"Why," demanded the instructor, "are you still standing there?"
"Sir, someone had to live to tell about it."


My Mom began receiving calls from people who misdialed the similar number of a new business.
Mom, who had her number for years, asked the owner of the company to have the number changed.

     He refused.

The calls kept coming day and night.

Finally, Mom started telling the callers that the company had gone out of business.
Within a week, the computer company voluntarily changed its number.


Tom had missed six days of work in the last few weeks.
Finally, his good-natured boss was compelled to call Tom into her office.

"It has not escaped my attention," she pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right," exclaimed Tom.
"I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"


A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Oh..." returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."


A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."


Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson was constantly hungry.
I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat.
After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons,
I spotted a bowl of leftover chili.
"Hey," I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen.
"Look! I found some chili."

Struggling to be polite, he said,
"If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it."


One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out.
In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.
Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.

"Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

Brian nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.

Then he burst into laughter.

"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"


One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said,
"Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered,
"Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."


A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, three doctors are there already!"


A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25˘ each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
"Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.

The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer,
"Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked.
"Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."


The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"


Q: What do you call a Sleeping Bull?

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A: A Bull-Dozer!


 

 

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